Yard Sale Bloodbath

When I think of the phrase “thrift store photos” I usually think of the weird kind of pictures you can sometimes find while thrifting. Here’s one stellar example:

(More of that good stuff here.)

Of course, “thrift store photos” can also mean photos depicting thrift stores. I found this link to a recent exhibition of thrift store photos by Brian Ulrich via the ever-fabulous Ars Longa site. The shots are great, ranging from the colorful to the kinda gross.

The exhibition reminds me of a little book I got for Christmas, Thrift Store: the Past & Future Secret Lives of Things. If you’ve spent much time in thrift stores, many of the photos in the book may seem altogether familiar, perhaps too familiar: stacks of board games, necklaces hanging on hooks, lonely dolls … all the kinds of things you come across when perusing thrift store aisles, shown here in one small dose after another until you almost feel like you’ve been in the thrift too long. According to her bio the author/photographer, Emily Larned, is an “avid thrifter,” and the book includes a few short essays about the nature of objects and how they are used, valued, and discarded. The kind of stuff you get to thinking about after your 500th thrift trip or 8000th yard sale.

As far as thrift store art, there’s plenty of documentation out there on artwork that was purchased in thrift stores. I was first introduced to this “genre” via Jim Shaw’s mindblowing 1992 book, Thrift Store Paintings. (After discovering the book I was lucky enough to get to see an exhibit of some of the paintings in San Francisco, similar to the one pictured here. That stuff is even scarier in person.)

Online, you can visit the PSB Gallery of Thrift Store Art and the Hi Art Thrift Store Art Gallery for more scary thrifted paintings than any one person should probably stand to take in. I’ve also seen a few recent examples where people have taken thrifted artworks (sometimes original, sometimes mass-produced) and then altered them to stunning effect (like the examples shown here).

Now, what about paintings (or perhaps scarier, sculptures) that show thrift store scenes? That’s something I haven’t managed to stumble across yet. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time …

All right everyone … our recurring guest star, Leslie, has come through with an oh-so-special report for us! Take it away, Leslie …

As previously mentioned, we all went to a rather crusty estate sale that had been running for at least a month. The interior of the house was dusty, coated with spider webs, and stinky enough that I just kept thinking of the moist towelettes lurking in the bowels of my purse.

My purchases were very limited: one stick of Freedent Gum (possibly from the ’80s), a colorful Mexican aluminum decorative hanging thingy, and a BEWARE Of Cat sign. I don’t have a cat, but The Big Lebowski of cats on this sign looks like he’s chug-a-lugged an entire bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill wine.

Plus of course, the prize from the fetid basement: a copy of The Swiss Colony Christmas catalog. Oh forbidden fruit! My extended family were not Swiss Colony people, so I never got to sample the undoubtedly delicious array of Swiss Colony offerings. I flipped it open and saw a product called “Pet Gouda” that featured a telltale brown box with air holes and that unmistakable Pet Rock font. I figured that the catalog had to be from 1975 or ‘76. Wrong! It’s from 1978, well after the Pet Rock fad had passed and had shuffled off to nerdsville. Perhaps those Swiss Colony marketeers had been living under a Pet Rock for three years.

The catalog features 124 pages of enticing foodstuffs that would cause normal humans to double their Pravachol dosage. I feel compelled to share the magic … and especially the grammatical errors, bizarre capitalizations, funky punctuation, and random quotation marks that The Swiss Colony lovingly inflicted on their customers. Ladies and gentlemen, this truly is catalog shopping as it was in the ’70s (minus parking your polyester-clad ass on a plaid couch and having What’s Happening playing on the TV in the background). I’m not going to bother with snarky comments that would taint the enticing descriptions you are about to read. Here is a sampling of the exact text and photos from a sampling of taste treats offered by The Swiss Colony in 1978.

Pet Gouda
Deep in the Jungles of Wisconsin lurks the fierce and terrible “Wild Gouda”, fleet of foot and savagely predatory! With the ruthless instincts of a cunning wild beast, only Kaptain Kubly our “great white hunter” could hope to track and capture him. NOW . . . after months of training and obedience school, we have a Pet Gouda for YOU! The same glowing, waxy red coat, but underneath lies the most mellow, creamy personality you can imagine. This mild-mannered, lovable pet, comes with his own specially designed crate. Everyone will enjoy a Pet Gouda.

BE-E-E-F-A-LOG
What is this year’s most novel gift . . . most exciting culinary creature? The BE-E-E-F-A-LOG,” of course! Such a popular refrigerator roamer. If you free it from it’s carrying cage, you’ve unleashed the incredibly delicious taste of fine, hickory smoked Beef Sausage. We warn you and your gift recipient to “Beware! It’s Viciously Delicious.” Available in 1 lb. and 2 lb. Logs. So clever, folks will remember you all year long!

Crazy Creme Puffs
Men from Mars! You’d think so but they’re really our NEW happy, lovable people. Their plump little bodies are made of delightful smooth cremes: Dobosh, Pistachio, Mint, Pecan, Almond and Walnut, all “dressed up” in dark and light frosting suits. Each is groomed from the tip of his toes to the top of his head with an irresistible happy smile! Eighteen 1 oz. Crazy Creme Puffs handmade of course, in our Pastry Kitchen.

Chocolate Humbugs
The most lovable little creatures ever! They are sure to win over the most discriminating chocolate lover. 12 “critters” have centers of fluffy Chocolaty Creme, so meltingly good with tender Coconut covering. Hand decorated with “peepers” and ever so carefully cradled in egg carton. Absolutely heavenly to taste (if you can bring yourself to do it!) Made especially for our customers. Shp. wt. 2 lbs.

Heavenly Hash
All bedded down on a pillow of white clouds… That’s impish yet angelic, Rudolph as he keeps his eagle eyes toward heaven as if to say, “Isn’t it Heavenly, me riding on such a delightfully delicious cloud!” His solid flavored chocolate goodness with his red nose and bow tie, lies upon a 6 ¼ x 9” Heavenly Hash pillow that’s made of Chocolate, Pecans, Marshmallows and Cashews. What angel wouldn’t smile on this 15 oz. bundle of joy! Shp. wt. 2 lb.

I’ll leave you with this little puzzler: just what flavor is “solid”?

Hmmm … puzzling, indeed! And I’d also like to point out that below this description they note that the design of Rodney Reindeer is copyrighted … wait, is it Rodney or Rudolph? Get it straight, people!

Thanks, Leslie. I suspect I’ll soon be calling you in the middle of the night for emotional support after waking up in a panic from nightmares about the BE-E-E-F-A-LOG.

So, in my last post I mentioned this “Master Detective” magazine that I picked up. I thought I would show you just a little bit of what’s inside. As you can see from the cover, there are some cheese-ariffic articles in there. Will anyone be surprised to learn that they’re not actually as interesting as they sound?

The only one I tried to really delve into was “Who’s Killing the ‘Great’ Pimps of Hamburg?” From what I can gather, it was a complicated rivalry brought on by diminishing economic circumstances between two rival groups of pimps called St. Pauli GmbH and the Nutella Prostitution and Drug Organization. (Nutella — no shit — though not affiliated with the actual product. The article says that the name “is a sort of joke, because Nuta is slang for prostitute in German and Nutella is the name of a well-known spread to be put on bread.” Oh, those funny pimps!) I could not be bothered to track all of the specific incidents and motivations (I might have needed to draw a chart), but I was amused by all of the nicknames, apparently required for any pimp in Germany: Handsome Michael, Chinese Fritz (who died “without having time to pay for his beer” — I’m sure he felt really bad about that), The Businessman, Karate Tommy, Vienna Karl, and Angie. At press time the “Hamburg War of the Pimps” was apparently still in progress.

Like many magazines of yesteryear, the really fun stuff is in the ads. There’s a preponderance of invitations to start some flourishing career or another. Be A Law Officer! Be An Electrician! Be A Locksmith! Get in on the profits in SMALL ENGINE service and repair! Upholstering just one chair … may pay you as much as your present week’s paycheck! The big, quick money is in VINYL REPAIR! There are also ads which promise riches while providing absolutely no indication of what the hell you are supposed to be doing, as well as the requisite ads full of cheesy products that you can supposedly resell for big bucks. The “Fastest Sellers for 1984″ include such gems as the Permanent Match, Dynamo Flash-Gun, Drinking Bird, and Automatic Needle Threader.

Some of these ads were pretty funny, but my favorites were found in a hodge-podge of tiny ads crammed into the last ten or so pages. The following four gems were in the same location over four subsequent pages. First, I give you this.

For Men Of Action: a “lifted” pouch for macho swagger. Oh yeah.

On the next page, we see what Today’s Man is all about: “almost invisible” man-panties.

It’s the coolest brief yet! But wait - then we have this:

Notice the ad right above it, too. “Sexy Girls In Your Area Want Men Of All Ages For Dates!” I think I’ve gotten spam with that exact sentence in it. Some things never change. (And not the abundance of sexy girls desperate for dates.)

And then just when you think it couldn’t get any hotter … you turn the page in eager anticipation, only to find …

Yikes!

That’s all for this Book Report. And yes, I know this isn’t really a book. You want books? Head on over to this post on the always-entertaining Thrift Store Adventures for more books than you can shake a thrifted stick at.

In July we had gone to a woman’s sale (that Jenny and I refer to as the bugdi sale) who had some really great books and I purchased a incredibly pretty (yet awkwardly sized at 12 x 4.8 inches) called Playing Cards, by Buzz Poole and Ira Pearlstein. 300 cards from the 1930s and 1940s are lovingly reproduced in full size and brilliant color. It’s a graphic design wet dream.

The cards were acquired at an auction by Ira Pearlstein, who introduces the book, and this is the biggest reason that I would consider it for a Book Report on our blog. What really resonated with me were Ira’s thoughts on the auction, collecting and junking in general. Ira was warned by his wife “don’t go crazy, Ira. Remember what I said. We don’t need them.”

Here is where Ira really wins me over: “I looked the other way, pretending that I didn’t recognize this woman, the light and joy of my life for the past 23 years, mother of my only begotten sons. I was in the grip of Auction Fever and Sharon was powerless to rein me in.” His total cost for all the cards? $17.50.

Okay, now here is a book that is both entertaining, and about entertaining. Ostensibly, anyway. I think it’s really more about freaking people out, because this charming little cookbook pamphlet is chock full of seafood breakfast dishes.

The disgustingness just doesn’t stop with this one, with recipes like “Fluffy Salmon Omelet” and the gag-inducing “Peachy Scallops.” To be fair, a few of the recipes aren’t that bad; some, like pan-fried trout, sound perfectly tasty (although not necessarily for breakfast). “Clam-Corn Griddle Cakes” seem like an okay idea, in a savory-fritter kind of way … until you get to the part where they suggest serving them with cran-applesauce.

I bought this at a thrift store many years ago, but recently decided to send it on to a new home. I gave it to Rakka Deer at her recent retro food party. I apologize in advance to any future attendees if she actually decides to make and serve anything from this booklet.

I don’t mean books that are about how to entertain people; I mean books that are entertaining to look at.

On the left, we have The Munchies Eatbook: or how to satisfy the hungries without eating everything in sight. I’m guessing that most people in a “munchies” situation aren’t really going to take the time to break out a recipe (when busting into a bag of Doritos is so much more convenient), but what do I know. Also, the little inset graphic of the strawberries shared between pairs of Rolling-Stones-logo-ish mouths is really pretty strange - I’ve spent way too much time pondering how they decided to go with that particular image.

On the right, we have a perfectly normal photography book … except for the squirrelly-looking dude on the cover. Those glasses! That mustache! Those beady eyes! That wrapped-around-the-camera posture! I’m not sure I want to know what he was taking pictures of.

These books were seen (but not purchased) at a sale the Saturday before last. I didn’t go to any sales at all last weekend.

I am not sure what I will do without the 1978 Carbohydrate Guide or The Classic Wheat For Man Cookbook, but I’m sure I will manage somehow.