Yard Sale Bloodbath

All right everyone … our recurring guest star, Leslie, has come through with an oh-so-special report for us! Take it away, Leslie …

As previously mentioned, we all went to a rather crusty estate sale that had been running for at least a month. The interior of the house was dusty, coated with spider webs, and stinky enough that I just kept thinking of the moist towelettes lurking in the bowels of my purse.

My purchases were very limited: one stick of Freedent Gum (possibly from the ’80s), a colorful Mexican aluminum decorative hanging thingy, and a BEWARE Of Cat sign. I don’t have a cat, but The Big Lebowski of cats on this sign looks like he’s chug-a-lugged an entire bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill wine.

Plus of course, the prize from the fetid basement: a copy of The Swiss Colony Christmas catalog. Oh forbidden fruit! My extended family were not Swiss Colony people, so I never got to sample the undoubtedly delicious array of Swiss Colony offerings. I flipped it open and saw a product called “Pet Gouda” that featured a telltale brown box with air holes and that unmistakable Pet Rock font. I figured that the catalog had to be from 1975 or ‘76. Wrong! It’s from 1978, well after the Pet Rock fad had passed and had shuffled off to nerdsville. Perhaps those Swiss Colony marketeers had been living under a Pet Rock for three years.

The catalog features 124 pages of enticing foodstuffs that would cause normal humans to double their Pravachol dosage. I feel compelled to share the magic … and especially the grammatical errors, bizarre capitalizations, funky punctuation, and random quotation marks that The Swiss Colony lovingly inflicted on their customers. Ladies and gentlemen, this truly is catalog shopping as it was in the ’70s (minus parking your polyester-clad ass on a plaid couch and having What’s Happening playing on the TV in the background). I’m not going to bother with snarky comments that would taint the enticing descriptions you are about to read. Here is a sampling of the exact text and photos from a sampling of taste treats offered by The Swiss Colony in 1978.

Pet Gouda
Deep in the Jungles of Wisconsin lurks the fierce and terrible “Wild Gouda”, fleet of foot and savagely predatory! With the ruthless instincts of a cunning wild beast, only Kaptain Kubly our “great white hunter” could hope to track and capture him. NOW . . . after months of training and obedience school, we have a Pet Gouda for YOU! The same glowing, waxy red coat, but underneath lies the most mellow, creamy personality you can imagine. This mild-mannered, lovable pet, comes with his own specially designed crate. Everyone will enjoy a Pet Gouda.

BE-E-E-F-A-LOG
What is this year’s most novel gift . . . most exciting culinary creature? The BE-E-E-F-A-LOG,” of course! Such a popular refrigerator roamer. If you free it from it’s carrying cage, you’ve unleashed the incredibly delicious taste of fine, hickory smoked Beef Sausage. We warn you and your gift recipient to “Beware! It’s Viciously Delicious.” Available in 1 lb. and 2 lb. Logs. So clever, folks will remember you all year long!

Crazy Creme Puffs
Men from Mars! You’d think so but they’re really our NEW happy, lovable people. Their plump little bodies are made of delightful smooth cremes: Dobosh, Pistachio, Mint, Pecan, Almond and Walnut, all “dressed up” in dark and light frosting suits. Each is groomed from the tip of his toes to the top of his head with an irresistible happy smile! Eighteen 1 oz. Crazy Creme Puffs handmade of course, in our Pastry Kitchen.

Chocolate Humbugs
The most lovable little creatures ever! They are sure to win over the most discriminating chocolate lover. 12 “critters” have centers of fluffy Chocolaty Creme, so meltingly good with tender Coconut covering. Hand decorated with “peepers” and ever so carefully cradled in egg carton. Absolutely heavenly to taste (if you can bring yourself to do it!) Made especially for our customers. Shp. wt. 2 lbs.

Heavenly Hash
All bedded down on a pillow of white clouds… That’s impish yet angelic, Rudolph as he keeps his eagle eyes toward heaven as if to say, “Isn’t it Heavenly, me riding on such a delightfully delicious cloud!” His solid flavored chocolate goodness with his red nose and bow tie, lies upon a 6 ¼ x 9” Heavenly Hash pillow that’s made of Chocolate, Pecans, Marshmallows and Cashews. What angel wouldn’t smile on this 15 oz. bundle of joy! Shp. wt. 2 lb.

I’ll leave you with this little puzzler: just what flavor is “solid”?

Hmmm … puzzling, indeed! And I’d also like to point out that below this description they note that the design of Rodney Reindeer is copyrighted … wait, is it Rodney or Rudolph? Get it straight, people!

Thanks, Leslie. I suspect I’ll soon be calling you in the middle of the night for emotional support after waking up in a panic from nightmares about the BE-E-E-F-A-LOG.

My parents and sister went to a city-wide yard sale day somewhere in the California Bay Area last month. Yes, last month — even in California, I think scheduling your city-wide yard sale in October is pretty bold! However, they lucked out and the weather was great and they bought all sorts of odd stuff … and were inspired by our blog to take a picture of the junk in their trunk. (Well, really the “junk in the back of their station wagon”, but close enough.) How cute is that?

Nice photo-styling, mom & dad.

First we got Karl’s take on Saturday … now we get Cathy’s write-up. It’s double-guest-star-riffic!

Back when ebay didn’t take such a big bite out of sales with their fees, I got the fever and was hitting garage sales, estate sales and thrift stores regularly. For every two things I bought to sell on ebay, I’d keep at least one gem for myself. And I got some great stuff.

Then life with small children set in, and making time for garage sales dwindled. UNTIL … a few weeks ago when Jenny & Meghan had a sale of their own and turned me onto their blog. I was inspired and begged them to let me tag along on their next trip.

I had every intention of being responsible about keeping my early-morning commitment. Then I got an unexpected last-minute invite to a party (that I couldn’t refuse) the night before. Stumbling to Meghan’s at 8:30 am with only 4 hours of sleep and alcohol oozing from my pores wasn’t what I had envisioned. I wanted to be PERKY! But instead I clung on for dear life as her car zipped through the streets of Ballard & Greenwood while Jenny flipped through their (very organized) pages of listings saying, “turn here”, “I think it’s at the end of this street”, “oh, we’ve been to this one before” … If I had thrown up the night before, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so much like throwing up at the end of those 4 hours …

My experience was way overshadowed by my hangover, which is most likely why I lack enthusiasm looking back on the day … I remember a lot of stuff I wasn’t looking for (clothes, books, records) with some selections of merchandise that surprised me when I looked at the people running the sale. That’s always been one of my fave things about garage sale shopping — getting a peek into the lives behind the doors of strangers (or sometimes neighbors). One of my favorites was the chick with the huge collection of cheesy Elvis memorabilia for sale (and a really odd grouping of surplus corporate gear — tees, pens, hats, bags, etc — in the back yard). When we were leaving, I glanced in the window of the living room and saw an Elvis lampshade and bust on the end table. That sort of shattered the story I had imagined of her outgrowing the Elvis collection and moving on. I guess she was just thinning out some duplicate pieces. Hunk-a, hunk-a, and all that.

My friend Leigh had given me an address (at the party the night before) for her friend Heidi’s sale. Luckily, she wrote it on a sticky and put it on my dashboard, so it was there when I got in the car to head to Meghan’s. I bought my only real purchases of the day at Heidi’s — a pair of poodle mosaics and two little chalkware poodle heads.

Next time I promise to spend the night before on the couch watching a movie instead of drinking mystery champagne cocktails on Tasha’s porch until 3 am …

Thanks Cathy! We’ll get you out with us again soon … hung over or not!

Here’s Karl’s thoughts on our day o’ saling last Saturday!

the time had arrived to be a guest star with the bloodbath girls and this is a treat for sure! i was psyched so when jenny wrote to me “be at meghan’s at 8:30″ it all seemed doable. yet after a rendezvous the night before which went sour with a less than liberating friend, i knew i was in for some fun. hitting tons of sales before noon is something i can’t seem to do on my own but in the hands of these pros, i was ready.

double guest star cathy (feeling the night before) (didn’t we all in some way?), meghan, jenny and i set out and as already detailed by meghan, we did ok but i personally observed some interesting things. first, the drive-by…is it worth it? a small debate ensued and both sides were presented but my feeling is that it boils down to intuition for me. i have drove by many a sale just peeking and saying “no way.” instead of thinking i missed out on those pristine blue note records or fill in the blank on what your flavor is - just drive by if you are feeling it. there are more sales to get to which also leads to the quantity issue. the girls and i hit so many sales and i was being pretty focused and that means, go to more and seek out what you are looking for instead of making mercy buys…which is what i did at the end. i had to buy at least one record (as i am a record nerdlinger) so when we stumbled upon a sale with records i was psyched. my psyched feeling was squelched quickly as they were $3.00 per and the lady barely budged after i created a pretty big mercy stack with donovan, steeleye span, you get the picture. then she told me “these are worth a lot of money, i checked online.” talk about harshing my toke…i trimmed my 20 lp stack down to three and that was because i had to buy something, anything. i was desperate and i think it showed. after i purchased my three (incl. the aforementioned donovan lp) the woman having the garage sale killed me by telling me “some guy was here and purchased…well, he took 73 but he is going to do work for me.”

ok, bottom line - i am going to guest star again and i know it will be a great adventure - as this one was too. final take that day: three lp’s, a gNr songbook for appetite, a handful of cd’s, a jewbacca shirt (!!), an everything bagel and a damn good time. thanks ladies!!

Thanks Karl! And thanks, Jewbacca.

Our pal Karl is another of our occasional special guest stars. We almost had to cut him off a couple years ago after he dished out some ludicrously inappropriate remarks, but he made up for it with his bestest behavior, so he’s back in the band. Scheduling difficulties have prevented him from riding along with us so far this year, but he was kind enough to send us this photo and report from last Saturday …

going to a variety of sales last week and hitting nothing but tupperware, “antiques”, incredibly ugly clothes and an array of crap that had me feeling as though I would be much better off back in bed or just doing ANYTHING else. driving back to my pad after hitting mt. baker, leschi and madrona i see this sign you see………….

….. and i have a theory. gays have the best and the worst sales. when they are good, they are off the grid and when they are bad, they are beyond bad - nothing in between. this sign told me good will happen so off i went with dreams of some real sweet guys selling all kinds of great records, clothes and other sundries. well, i was right but much of it was already picked by one guy who literally was filling up his truck with a bike (which I most certainly would have wanted), stereo gear, books, cd’s and what appeared to be a 35mm camera. so i don’t get too tangential, this guy buying all this stuff had the stupidest look on his face too…like he just hit the lottery and maybe he did but it bothered me. I recall saying to one of the guys having the sale that he was so happy that he was going to treat himself to some KFC after leaving … after all, it was 9:30 AM. Laughter ensued. OK, so I did come away with some loot at the GAY RAGE sale and got me a box of forty-fives in a carrier box which was one of the proprietor’s mom’s from the 5t’s and I also got some great cd’s all for fifteen dollars. The sign said it all but there was more GAY than RAGE - but all in all, a great sign and some really nice guys.

Thanks Karl!

This week we had our friend Leslie (a.k.a. Bitch On Wheels) come along with us to yard sales (after being forced to admit rain was likely and cancelling our plans for our own sale). We always like to have “guest stars” come saling with us once in a while, and we talked Leslie into doing a guest star post for the blog as well - here it is!

As we had to postpone the crap-be-gone yard sale due to rain, we took advantage of the unscheduled morning to grab steamy cups of coffee and add more stuff to our already cluttered houses. In spite of the steady downpour, there were a number of sales featuring merchandise under tarps, under tents, in garages, and one fantastic house-wide moving sale (the sellers were purging just about everything to move onto a 40-foot sail boat and they were cool people with wonderful and reasonably priced stuff). I’ll leave it to your regular YSBB hostesses to describe the haul, but we more than filled the trunk with junk at that one sale alone.

Later in the morning, we drove to the Ballard High Cheerleaders garage sale (go blood-thirsty beavers!). There was nothing remarkable, but I picked up a pair of adjustable kids inline skates (a gift for 4-year old Lemmy) and a booklet of Christmas Mad Libs. I LOVE second-hand Mad Libs, particularly when they’re already filled out. While this booklet was 99.5% unused, a single plural noun was filled in on the Jingle Bells Mad Lib. Some snickering youth had inserted the tried and true word “boobs.” (Note to America’s pre-teens: body parts are fine, but adding a disease or taint to your chosen body part always gives it a bit more comedic punch). We proceeded to fill out the remainder of the Mad Lib, but it was too early in the morning for prime ick-factor vocabulary and Jingle Bells really doesn’t make the best Mad Lib foundation.

More sale recap still to come!