Meghan and I rode to the Bitch-N-Swap together and after making about five wrong turns trying to get to Leslie’s house, we finally made it there. We told her that she should have had signs up with arrows that just said “Bitch.” (I’m sure her suburban neighbors would’ve loved that.)

I knew that Leslie and some friends had spent a good part of the previous day setting things up, but I was still amazed at how organized everything was. It looked like her living room had been completely emptied out to make room for swap stuff. Everything was nearly arranged in sections, with handy bright pink signs indicating what type of stuff could be found there, like “Frederick’s of Hello Kittie” for lingerie, “Home Despot” for household items, “Isle of Man” for all things testosterone-ish, and more. Neither of us had remembered to bring our camera, but thankfully Leslie’s friend Giselle agreed to be pressed into service documenting the swap for us; all of these photos were taken by her. (Thanks again, Giselle!)

I thought it was very appropriate to see “How to Conquer Clutter” among the tons of books.

In the center of the room was an enormous mound of clothes, which always had at least four people digging through it and which somehow didn’t seem to get any smaller as the swap went on.

I pulled out a couple of t-shirts for my husband, and a couple of dresses and skirts which I later rejected and threw back into the pile. After making a couple of passes around the room’s perimeter (and a couple more digs through the clothing heap) I headed to the kitchen, where I enjoyed a fresh-brewed cup of “Hong Kong Milk Tea” and some really good cookies. There was also a “chill-out room” where exhausted swappers were camped out watching cheesy movies.

As Meghan and I took a load of stuff to our car we saw someone carrying in a painting which truly horrified us. Even scarier, it was a swap veteran: it’d come to a previous swap and been taken home by someone who intended to give it as a gift. Not surprisingly, the gift was rejected, and so back it came. Here is Leslie posing with this masterpiece.

I don’t think anyone grabbed it and I’m really not sure what its fate will be now … nor do I really want to know!

Thanks in part to the Forbidden Items List, the general quality level was pretty decent. I was tempted by a lot of items that were kinda cool, but which I just didn’t really need, like cocktail shakers, funky ashtrays, and quirky zines. Due to my amazing restraint I only ended up bringing a few items home: the aforementioned t-shirts; a pair of shoes which I thought looked like bowling shoes, and only later realized were indeed actual bowling shoes; one interesting-looking book (the title of which I’ve already forgotten); one back issue of Bitch magazine; one Halloween pumpkin candle-holder; and a few stickers and other little trinkets for my daughter. Meghan ended up with a couple of bags full of books, clothes, and other items, including what I think was her score of the day, a beat-up but quite stylish black and leopard vintage handbag.

Even though a lot of stuff was taken away, there was a scary amount of stuff left over. Here is just some of the unclaimed stuff that was bagged up and taken to a thrift store afterwards.

It’s been almost two weeks since the swap. Tragically, Leslie is still dealing with the leftover items. I think she deserves a Craptastic Medal of Honor for putting this crazy event together! I hope her sanity is still intact by the time everything is out of her house.

Last Sunday our pal (and occasional guest star) Leslie hosted one of her regular “Bitch-N-Swap” events. She’s been doing these for a few years and invites all her friends to bring stuff they don’t want and take stuff they do want in a crazed free-for-all frenzy. Experience has taught her to get increasingly strict about what is and is not allowed at the swap, and she’s put together a useful — and hilarious! — “forbidden items list.” It’s a pretty funny round-up of Least Wanted Items. I laugh every time I read it and Leslie has graciously allowed us to reproduce it here.

Bitch-N-Swap Forbidden Items List

ALL swap items must be clean enough to be snuggled directly against your vagina/mangina.

One person’s trash may be another man’s treasure, but the following “treasures” are FORBIDDEN at the BNS. (ALL of this stuff has been brought to past swaps, it is always here when everyone leaves, the thrifts won’t take much of this, and I’ve had to pay disposal fees.)

Anyone bringing the following items will be ejected immediately!

General Restrictions
Perfume, cologne, after-shave, air fresheners – all liquid chemical scents. Due to allergies and some asthmatic swappers, chemical scents are not permitted in the house either in containers or on your skin.

ODORS: Items that are permeated with mildew, smoke, pet, or perfume odors.

STAINED CLOTHING: No rust, grime, grease, pet hair-encrusted, presidential snake juice stained, or that sort of thing.

ANYTHING that is isn’t clean enough to store in your own lingerie or man-panties drawer is not permitted at the swap. Leftover clothing is donated to a food/clothing bank and must be clean and in good condition.

Anything decorated with the aid of a glue gun or puffy paint is forbidden.

Anything decorated with the following motifs: Disney characters, teddy bears, angels, geese, cows, corporate marketing logos, stars and stripes or American flags is forbidden. If this is your thing, Goodwill is calling you.

Tobacco products/drug paraphernalia. Again, allergies/asthma, it’s smoke-free here.

Forbidden Items by Category

Baby/Toddler/Kiddie Supplies: Car seats, pacifiers, larger plastic equipment, sippy cups, plastic dishware, Little Tykes items, BIG toys or play sets (anything over 16 inches).

Baskets/Straw/Wicker/Cornhusk: No exceptions, really. Don’t even think of bringing any of it. There’s already enough kindling here.

Book/Media/Office Supply Restrictions:

• AAA Tour Guides & maps.
• Audio tapes of any kind or size.
• Dictionaries, Encyclopedias, Price Guides, computer/software books.
• Home-recorded or blank video tapes.
• Textbooks (OK if vintage or containing amusing clip art).
• Photo Albums & BINDERS

Clothing Restrictions:

• All post-1979 garments must be in good condition. That means no fading, tears, holes, stains, pit fade, heavy pilling, poorly done repairs (including use of duct tape), or very faded fabric. The exception: wool sweaters with holes & vintage garments with salvageable parts for quilters, felters, and knitters.
• DOCKERS ANYTHING.
• No garments that are coated or embedded with pet hair or mystery fuzz.
• Graduation caps & gowns.
• Hats –STRAW, cowboy, Santa, large-brimmed, hard-hats, costume hats, or cheap costume wigs.
• Event, marathon, or sports team T-shirts.
• Lingerie or exercise wear that is completely trashed, stretched out, the spandex has rotted, or it no longer holds anything up or in.
• Shoes/boots/sandals/socks must be in very good condition or better. Visible and olfactory evidence of foot funk really turns most swappers off, particularly with sandals and flip flops.

Corporate Logos: Proceed with extreme caution. Generally Microsoft, Group Health, Boeing, and other logo-emblazoned give-away marketing materials are unloved both by the original recipients and swappers. Thrift stores and landfills are overflowing with this stuff. Please consider how useful it will be to another swapper and if the corporate logo generates warm-n-fuzzy feelings and/or laughter.

Cosmetics/Hair/Jewelry/Supplements/OTC Medication Restrictions:

• Any cosmetic item that is very used, less than 60% remains at the bottom of the container, or is spoiled, disintegrated, melted, dirty, crusty, or has the labeling info worn off the bottle/package.
• Contact lens and glasses cases.
• 80s & 90s plastic headbands, hair bows, barrettes, combs, and hair ornaments.
  Expired and/or opened supplements and OTC medications.

Dishware/Kitchen/Food Container Restrictions:

• Unwashed or stained dishware or cookware (honestly, someone brought unwashed coffee-encrusted cups to the May ‘06 swap and cookie sheets that wouldn’t have come clean with a sand blaster).
• Chipped/cracked/broken dishware or glassware.
• Coffee mugs: Proceed with caution and avoid dull corporate logos.
• Tupperware and plastic containers with melt marks, stains, and warping.
• NO Decorative food packaging tins. (However, bring on the lunchboxes!)
• Plastic travel mugs, drink bottles, and Big Gulp type cups.
• Cutlery trays: Plastic and coated wire.
• Dish drying racks.
• Travel mugs that are missing lids.
• Winery tour or corporate logo stemware.
• Plain ice cube trays (fun shapes and metal are OK).
• Pot holders and oven mitts (vintage or silicone OK).
• Placemats.

Electronics/Computer Restrictions:

• ALL Computers, keyboards, and accessories are forbidden.
• All electronics or small appliances in poor/damaged condition or missing cords.
• Large appliances.
• Fax machines, printers, and printer cartridges.
• Televisions / Monitors.
• Mysterious cords and misc. parts
• Cell phones and cell phone accessories.
• Landline telephones unless vintage (pre-1975).
• Headphones.
• Phone cords, speaker wire, other cables.
• Digital clocks (plug in variety).
• Calculators.

Eyewear – Glasses cases and contact lens cases.

Furniture – any/all (No room at the inn).

Linens – Restrictions:

• Blankets: acrylic or worn/stained/pilled or infested with holes.
• Mattress pads and covers.
• PILLOWS: decorative throw pillows unless vintage or leopard print.
• Sheets should be bagged up and the size noted.
• PLEASE BRING ugly/stained/holey towels for the SPCA

Milk Crates

Scrap booking supplies

Solvents, Chemicals, Febreeze, Pesticides, Draino, and other hazardous liquids. http://www.govlink.org/hazwaste/house/products/list.cfm

Suitcases (even little overnight suitcases), luggage, and garment bags.

Toys: anything that is soiled, moldy, or severely damaged. Beanie Babies, Happy Meal toys, plush toys (unless vintage, handmade, or dog-safe – no pellet filling or plastic bits on those), oversized toys, and jigsaw puzzles.

Window Treatments: Mini-blinds, Roman shades, & 1980s curtains.

People started dropping things off a few days early and sadly, many of the forbidden items turned up anyway! I think she took 9 large trash bags full of Dockers (!), corporate-logo items, and other unswappables over to a clothing drop-box before the swap even happened.

I was pretty excited to go to the swap since I’ve been hearing about them for years but have always been unable to make it for one reason or another. Did it live up to my expectations? All will be revealed in my next post!