It’s the Garage Sale Decorator’s Bible, by Shelley Kincaid. First, note her expression on the cover – is she afraid her cat is going to attack her? Or, as my thrifting partner suggested, worried that some of her “fabulous finds” are about to fall down and kill her?

The Amazon reviews aren’t as amazing as the ones for Microwave for One by Sonia Allison, but they really should be.

Most of the projects have a “crafty” feeling that even my grandma would be turned off by.

And the drawings are pretty low rent.

Here are some of her amazing “HOW TO’S”. There are many, many, MANY more …

“HOW TO” MAKE A WATERBED HUTCH
“HOW TO” REMOVE UPHOLSTERY FABRIC
“HOW TO” ATTACH VCR TO TV
“HOW TO” TUNE IN THE BUTTON STYLE VCR
“HOW TO” SHRINK WRAP
“HOW TO” STORE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE

Some of the crap in here is useful, like if you wanted to learn how to re-wire a lamp, but most folks are going to either ask at the hardware store or watch a “how-to” video online. I guess it makes a little more sense since this came out before youtube.com. The book was written in 1997, but it feels more like around 1988. Except that it does explain the Internet.

There is also a basically useless price guide listing the “retail,” “garage sale,” and “Shelley’s Best” prices for 33 pages’ worth of items, from Acrylic Nail Set to Z Brick.

She does have one thing right — the title of Chapter 1: GARAGE SALE~ING WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

It’s from 1884. Perhaps there were different methods back then?

Eternal thanks to Karl for purchasing this at an estate sale last week.

This was at a block sale, not too far from my parents’ house, where it looked like someone was getting rid of their entire book collection, dating back to at least the early ’70s … leaning heavily towards the feminist, radical, and groovy.

I grew up here, so this was all pretty familiar territory. After all, it wasn’t until long after leaving the Berkeley Unified School District that I learned that most places didn’t get a day off on March 8th for International Women’s Day.

It was fun to dig through the books.

Sometimes even the back covers were good reading.

As easy as it is to poke fun at this stuff, I think it’s awesome that people were self-publishing their own freaky stuff back in the day — or even today! But that doesn’t mean that some of it isn’t kind of ridiculous.

Like this guide to communes. Can you spot the naked dudes? How about the guy rocking the turtleneck with no pants?

It’s not just a list of communes (including the Hog Farm: “about 75 people living on 14 acres of land in New Mexico, all taking care of each other and this one hog and her friend … and 15 chickens that lay ten eggs a day on methedrine”), it also has articles like “How to Make Group Marriage.”

This is the end of the article. Is that the answer?

Another magazine had some pretty great classified ads.

And of course, there were guidebooks on how to build your own geodesic dome.

Honestly, I was surprised that it hadn’t been cleaned out by book dealers, and I sort of hoped whatever was left over would get donated to a library, because a lot of that stuff was super obscure and interesting. We left a lot behind, but between me, my husband, and my dad, we ended up with a bit of a pile …

The books spanned a range of genres and eras.

But most of them offered some sort of advice.

Many were charmingly dated.

Or even hilariously dated.

Some were direct and to the point (perhaps a bit threateningly so).

And then there was this. Sure, times have changed, but how was this title ever a good idea?

I guess if a pile of books is gonna be bad, at least it’s more fun to look through when they’re this bad.

Why would you keep this around for so long? Well, someone did … until last year, when I found it at a yard sale.

The Crown Collection by ADCO — Created by Rhonda Jennings. (I googled the crap out of that in many, many combinations.) In the opener Rhonda explains that this is the most dazzling collection she’s ever come up with. She also uses not just “P.S.,” but also “P.P.S.” Haven’t seen that one in a while.

The most amazing thing are the names of some of the collections …

For Happy Days. (Um, you mean when you come out to your parents?)

Plaid Pizzazz. (I would have loved these in 1983, but by 1986? No.)

Soap Opera Favorites. (Um. What?)

Your Favorite Symbols. (Class of ’90! WOOT!)

Some others (I shit you not) are Gleaming Glamor, Look of Success, Pastel Power, and my personal favorite: Bits of Whimsy.

The kicker? Rhonda also published two books in response to the many, many requests she received from customers (or so she claims): “Looking Good On The Job” and “What Color Can Do for You.” I wonder how many copies of those are still lurking around? Seems like something that will probably show up on Awful Library Books at some point.

Oddly, the Doberman is the most normal thing about this magazine cover. How about the judge with the “Sun-In” orange hair and a dark brown mustache? Or the Miami Vice/Baywatch bimbos fawning over the dog?

The magazine is pretty boring if you don’t own a Doberman Pinscher, but the cover is amazing.

“I’ve seen Repo Man three times.”

“I broke my arm on our skateboarding ramp.”

“I represent Lake Hills on the State Soccer Team.”

“I used to be one of the top five cool people on the scene.”

I’m not sure what the point of this spread was, but I really wonder where all these people are now.

Update: Adrienne Salinger left us a comment saying: “Those photographs from Pacific Northwest magazine were mine – from my project with teenagers in the mid-80s. In the early 90′s I began to photograph teenagers again – in New York state, where I was living. This time I did long video interviews and eventually it was published as my first book In My Room: Teenagers in Their Bedrooms.” Super cool to know more about these!

Anyway, at that sale Jenny found a copy of Crafts for Retarded. No, really.

We had a discussion about who would buy it, which we seem to do on a regular basis. In the “one of us needs to buy that” sort of vein … and let’s get real, it’s usually me that takes the bait, since I have no will power.

What exactly is this book? Well, let me start by saying that some of the crafts look downright difficult. Many of them I probably couldn’t do now (and maybe that is saying more about me). Far as I can tell it’s a school aid or parent aid for teaching crafts to the mentally retarded.

This is the first edition from 1964 and lord knows how many printings they could have had. Hell, even growing up in the ’70s saying retarded was a NO-NO. Not that it’s stopped me from calling all of my friends retarded many, many times.

Shocking that even in 1964 they would use a swastika in this drum project.

Yes, I know that it’s a Native American symbol and you can tell me all day that it’s a symbol used for 100s of years, blah. There is no friggin’ way that it’s ever going to be okay to use in a children’s book.

Not only is the drum odd, but there’s a full-on product advertisement on page 53 for textile paint. This is in the table of contents.

I did think these “Phonograph Record Bowls” were pretty cool.

Wanna see a better cover? Awful Library Books uncovered a less scraped-up copy.

I purchased this at what we now refer to as “the freak sale.” It was in a box of wacky pamphlets that were priced at a firm $1 each. This was the only one I decided was worth it. And let me tell you, I have definitely gotten my dollar’s worth of entertainment from this baby! It’s like the Bad ’80s Hair edition of Awkward Family Photos, crossed with Gallery of Regrettable Food: The Next Generation.

The food in these photos actually has no bearing whatsoever to the featured recipe. For example, the recipe featured above is “Strawberry Trifle.” And despite this happy couple’s use of a pasta machine, their recipe is for something called “Baked Stew.”

It is kind of tragic that the food isn’t pictured. I can only imagine the glory of the “Pretzel Jello Salad” presented by this glamorous family.

Or the “Party Log” shared by these folks.

Oh yeah. Party Log. Ingredients: cream cheese, scallions, olives, and one small jar of dried beef. Sounds like a party to me!

The sheer datedness of this thing is pretty amazing. Here’s a shot where — if you can believe it — they have a whole role reversal thing going on. I mean, isn’t it wacky how the man is serving the food to the woman?! If that was ever to happen, they’d obviously be wearing the “wrong” clothes.

Their recipe is “Carrot Cake,” which seems sane enough, except for the inclusion of “3 small jars strained carrots (baby food).” (For completely unknown reasons, this is one of two baby-food-using carrot cake recipes.)

I think this next shot may also be trying to make some kind of commentary on the inability of the menfolk to perform simple food preparation tasks like putting together a sandwich. Though I suspect that trying to deconstruct these pictures is a losing battle.

There is definitely something a little off with a lot of these photos. Like this one — naturally, the accompanying recipe is “Frosted Peanut Butter Bars.”

Not to mention this. Football players, or serial killers?

In case anyone gets the wrong idea about these two, their “Buttermilk Pancake” recipe clearly states that it makes “about 15 bachelor-sized pancakes.” Get it? They’re not a couple. Just two bachelors, hanging out together, enjoying the finer things in life. Until Mrs. Right comes along and takes away their Bud and potato chips.

There isn’t much evidence for the cooking skills of some of the wives, either. There is no food in this photo, and the recipe is for “Russian Tea.” Bet you didn’t know there’s Tang in that.

These two, however, are shown with a bountiful array of produce. Clearly, they’re toasting their good fortune to be in possession of such a large zucchini.

The decor in these photos is also worth mentioning. In the sense that it’s practically non-existent.

Really, did everything just look wrong in the ’80s?

There were many more pages in this cookbook. Many, many more. But I think you get the idea. I’ll just leave you with one more of my favorite pages, which has a recipe for Rutabaga Apple Casserole. The photo that was chosen to go with that?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure this gem was worth $1.

(More of that good stuff here.)

Of course, “thrift store photos” can also mean photos depicting thrift stores. I found this link to a recent exhibition of thrift store photos by Brian Ulrich via the ever-fabulous Ars Longa site. The shots are great, ranging from the colorful to the kinda gross.

The exhibition reminds me of a little book I got for Christmas, Thrift Store: the Past & Future Secret Lives of Things. If you’ve spent much time in thrift stores, many of the photos in the book may seem altogether familiar, perhaps too familiar: stacks of board games, necklaces hanging on hooks, lonely dolls … all the kinds of things you come across when perusing thrift store aisles, shown here in one small dose after another until you almost feel like you’ve been in the thrift too long. According to her bio the author/photographer, Emily Larned, is an “avid thrifter,” and the book includes a few short essays about the nature of objects and how they are used, valued, and discarded. The kind of stuff you get to thinking about after your 500th thrift trip or 8000th yard sale.

As far as thrift store art, there’s plenty of documentation out there on artwork that was purchased in thrift stores. I was first introduced to this “genre” via Jim Shaw’s mindblowing 1992 book, Thrift Store Paintings. (After discovering the book I was lucky enough to get to see an exhibit of some of the paintings in San Francisco, similar to the one pictured here. That stuff is even scarier in person.)

Online, you can visit the PSB Gallery of Thrift Store Art and the Hi Art Thrift Store Art Gallery for more scary thrifted paintings than any one person should probably stand to take in. I’ve also seen a few recent examples where people have taken thrifted artworks (sometimes original, sometimes mass-produced) and then altered them to stunning effect (like the examples shown here).

Now, what about paintings (or perhaps scarier, sculptures) that show thrift store scenes? That’s something I haven’t managed to stumble across yet. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time …