Yard Sale Bloodbath

I started seeing signs all over Ballard on Friday night for a tool sale, but in the morning Jenny pointed out that one of them also said Michael Jackson’s glove.

It might be a little too soon for that, and the sale itself was just a crappy junk sale with stuff that could be pulled out of any basement. Jenny was wandering around the sale saying “I don’t see any gloves here.”

We ended up hitting some major duds. The woman moving out of the country that was so annoying that none of us wanted to give her money. “Ballard’s Best Yard Sale” which had toothpaste and a used toothbrush for sale — how gross is that? I mean by the time that you used it, isn’t it something that just needs to go in the trash? Plus, some other POS sales — I swear to god. GO TO THE SALVATION ARMY.

We hit a block sale that looked like it could be good. I had just finished a scone and still had my bag and napkin in my hand. I started looking over a rack of clothing and for one pair of jeans she wanted $30! I stuck the baked good garbage in the pocket and walked away. Honestly, I talk a good game, but I rarely do anything about it.

Karl started belly-aching that all the sales sucked, asking if it was payback for him taking me to crappy sales a few weeks ago. Then we hit a very oddball lefty sale. He had clothing, CDs, books, and this really awesome wrestling belt.

Everything was super cheap and I picked up a ton of DVD’s from Disinformation. The guy claimed he had made his living doing poetry slam. I didn’t even know you could make a living doing that — at least not past 1994.

This is the point in the day when stuff started to get really weird. We drove down a side street looking for a sale and there was a man dressed in top hat and tails. Bearded, a little odd looking. I noticed a suitcase behind him that said something about the circus. Karl called out to him: “Are you a magician?” The guy said no. Karl replied, “I wish you would disappear.” We almost died laughing as I drove us out of there fast.

A guy at the next sale (where there was a Dane Cook CD … yuck) heard us still laughing about it and (I guess) Karl said he was going to hassle him as we drove off. Sure enough, he yelled out “Hey, cool shirt!” Guy: “Thanks!” Karl: “I’m kidding.”

Since the Greenwood car show was going on we tried to go to sales that wouldn’t put us too close to the action, but then we hit this massive traffic jam and when the light changed while I was stuck in the middle of the street all hell started to break loose and some guy was trying to go around me. It was bad, but even worse? Karl’s cell pocket-dialed a friend who had to listen to this entire traffic jam and me screaming when it seemed like the guy was going to hit us. We figured out right after that a lot of the main roads had been shut down for the Rock and Roll Marathon.

We hit a few more sales without finding much of anything. One of them had this friendly dog perched by their yard sale sign.

At another we were greeted by Stephen Colbert!

I think this is where Karl picked up what we were calling a man purse — or murse. They were also selling this hot dog phone.

And then we hit what is now being called “the freak sale.” The first thing I noticed was that they had about 11 boxes of books and all of them were about religion. When I made a comment about this, a woman with her t-shirt pulled up over her head so just her face was sticking out answered back. Honestly, I really didn’t want to look at her, since the shirt flipped on her head was strange enough, but Jenny was more freaked out on the fact that she had sunscreen all over her face that she hadn’t rubbed in, so she had big white smears all over her face.

They also had 100s of CDs, all of them sooooo fucking awful. I don’t even know how you could own this much bad music. Next to them was a table with a really strange assortment of stuff.

Jenny found this box of really odd how-to teen booklets, cook books, anti-communist propaganda, and other wacky pamphlets. Some of them were really funny, like one with Mr. Rogers about going to the hospital.

We both started grabbing some pamphlets, but then when we found out they were $1 each, I sort of turned on the guy. I am not really sure why. It’s not like a dollar is a ton of money, but it’s a yard sale! When I made some comment like “you just lost a sale” he claimed that he has a ton more buyers coming. It’s 12:00 PM on a Saturday. Who the heck do you think is coming?!?!

Then I noticed Karl walking around with a copy of Viva Magazine from the ’70s. All I could think was how does this sale have porn? Turned out he had boxes of Playboys and other stuff. The guy told us he got them from an estate sale. In typical form, Karl replied “when you say estate sale, you mean subscription, right?”

After that we hit another 20-something shitty sale, but Karl found a box of old LPs to dig through. Jenny and I walk across the street and out of boredom, start flipping through the porn in the trunk. I am looking at the very mild 1979 copy of Viva. This shit is pretty darn tame by today’s standards. Jenny on the other hand has found the real porn, some weird dirty 1970s mag from Denmark. We are both making jokes and just shooting the shit about the magazines, when the woman from the sale walks all the way across to the street to tell us that we needed to have this conversation elsewhere and that we needed to be more respectful. Both Jenny and I didn’t even know how to react. I mean was she really serious? She is like 23 years old and how loud could we really be, she was across the street!

Just to round out the oddness we hit a sale that I swear to god looked like when Enid visits Seymour at his garage sale in Ghost World.

Funny since that movie also has a scene where Enid has a yard sale to make extra money. Sadly, this one didn’t have anything, and the music they were playing was horrible.

For all his bitching, it seems like most of the stuff in the trunk photo was purchased by Karl …

Meghan was out of town last Saturday, and I was all set to go saling with Karl, but then I had to bail at the last minute. Apparently I missed out on a kick-ass rummage sale, where he filled up five bags with pristine ’70s Nikes and other gems for a whopping $19. Dang!

I also missed an encounter with a woman he’s declared as his yard sale nemesis. She pulled up to a sale and insisted she had to park in the driveway because she couldn’t see well enough to park alongside the curb. (Um, then should you really be driving?) She then gave the seller some line about how she was looking for recent textbooks “for her college-age daughter who just loves to read everything.” Yeah, right. Finally, she announced she was buying all the CDs — which the seller had brought out on Karl’s request — before he even had a chance to look at them.

Anyway, since I have no real weekend recap for you, please enjoy this fascinating LP cover that I picked up at a Friday sale on my way to work a couple weeks back.

I would have filed this post in the “Um … No Thanks” category, except that (for some strange reason) I actually purchased it.

I really don’t remember most of the sales that we hit this weekend. That’s probably because almost all the sales seemed really boring. I mean sure, one of them had a very large swordfish, but that didn’t mean there was anything there we wanted to buy.

One lady had listed her sale as a vintage collectible sale — not even sure how she could list it that way, since not much there was old. We were greeted out front by this sombrero-wearing Care Bear, which didn’t seem like a real good sign.

The framed TAB poster was kind of cool (but not $15 cool) and Jenny did pick up a couple of issues of the now defunct Domino Magazine.

Pretty much all the sales we hit were a bust, with the one exception being a sale billed as a sample and yard sale. Here is the thing: most sample sales really suck — or more that they are usually selling crap that neither of us buy. But when we pulled up I remembered the house from last summer, when I had purchased the book Camp Camp at their sale. I had wondered last time if her sale had been really good in the morning, since we hit it super late. This time we got there right around 9:00 when she just had set up. SCORE! She had about 7 boxes of brand new (and good) books, and was selling them for 75% off the cover price. More expensive than you usually want to see books for at a yard sale, but since there was a lot of good stuff, it was worth it. Once I started grabbing stuff I couldn’t really stop. Gifts? Sure! Jenny was picking up stuff for her daughter’s next birthday. The seller even knocked a few bucks off our totals and rounded down. My grand total was $50, and I think Jenny spent $65.

And that is pretty much the only reason we even have a trunk photo this week.

I can’t say I was sorry to have missed last week’s pitiful day of sales, but with the weather great all week I was stoked to go out last Saturday. Previous guest star Tokyo Rose was coming along and it was gonna be great … right? Shockingly, there were grey clouds and even hints of drizzle in the morning, but they never materialized into any yard-sale-halting type of weather.

One of the first sales we hit had sounded like it could be good, mentioning vintage items and the ever-enticing “years of accumulation.” When we got there it was really strange. Someone obviously collected (hoarded) things for years and you got the feeling they were finally cleaning out the basement. One of the first thing we noticed was this box of doll heads.

There were some items that were not only strange, but appeared in alarming quantities, like these tiny toy hot dogs (next to several sealed packages of socks).

By far my favorite thing here was a box of old Rolling Stone magazines. Not usually all that remarkable, but when they’ve been drawn on like this, it really takes it to a whole new level.

We stopped at a few more sales that were okay, but nothing special. At one Meghan did snag an amazing vintage shower curtain for $2 and I picked up a couple of purses that are cool, but I’m already questioning if I am really ever going to use them. We made a stop for coffee and baked goods, then started heading to a sale advertised by a huge number of cardboard signs. For some reason I had a bad feeling and when we got there, we were horrified to discover it was the pink and white house where we have been to not one, but two awful sales. Talk about sale ja vu of the worst kind!

Next we hit a school rummage sale. There was stuff inside the gym, and then various people had tables set up outside that were each run separately. One woman had some interesting books, then I noticed a closed box marked “Rummage Sale.” I opened it and started pulling out various smaller boxes with priced items. Of course I was hoping to be the first to discover untold wonders, but instead I was shocked to find this!

After determining there was nothing in there I wanted, I moved on to the rest of her stuff. All of a sudden I heard her start sputtering about the nerve of people. I turned and she was putting everything back in the box, going off about how she couldn’t believe some people and blah blah blah … Really, if you don’t want people to look in a box at your sale, don’t put it out!

There was an estate sale nearby and it didn’t sound great, but since we were right there we checked it out. The basement had the usual crap, and then some not so usual crap, like this enormous painting.

Meghan came down from upstairs and said, “There’s this really crazy clown art in one of the bedrooms. You should check it out.” We later explained to Tokyo that although we’ve never formally discussed it, this was clearly a code word for “Go take a picture!” Sure enough, it was blogworthy in its awfulness.

We made a few more stops, unremarkable except for one where we pulled up and all three yelled “AAAAAAAAAAAAGH” in perfect (but unplanned) unison because of how bad it looked. Then we decided to go to the Seattle Repertory Theatre’s costume sale, even though we weren’t sure it would really be up our alley. On the way we saw a sign for a block sale that Karl had mentioned being good when he called us earlier in the day to salivate over the record score he’d just made. We decided to make a detour and check it out. It seemed to be right near the huge multi-block sale we’d been to last year, but we didn’t recognize anything and thought maybe it was a different street nearby. Around five blocks in Meghan exclaimed, “This is where all the beakers were last year!” It was the same street after all, but last year we’d started at close to the midpoint of this year’s sale. It went on for at least a dozen blocks.

Neighborhood sales can be questionable since a lot of time it’s people who really shouldn’t be having a sale, but just threw some stuff together since it was happening anyway. But the sheer number of sales in one location is always appealing. There was a definite hodge-podge of stuff — lots of the usual unexciting baby and Pottery Barn type items, but some decent stuff too. And even in this classy little enclave, there was plenty of trash.

This jacket was mixed in with some clothing that was actually okay. Meghan grabbed a few things, but the woman selling the items was nowhere to be found, and nothing was priced. Finally she appeared and we asked how much. The woman started talking about how she paid $120 for this item, and … I think that was all Meghan had to hear before putting the whole pile down and just walking away. A few houses later she found the score of the day: a bottle cap man for $2! She did admit that her boyfriend might not be all that excited to have yet another one of these move into their home, but she was pretty stoked.

As we made it towards the end of the street we recognized quite a few sales from last year. These people had made their own custom sign for the occasion and were super friendly, but had nothing we wanted.

Another guy had a huge amount of cassette tapes — probably over 100, both pre-recorded and homemade. Some of the mix tapes had crazy titles and handmade covers and I told Meghan that if she still had a tape player in her car I would be buying them and making her play them (in the hopes of finding a new yard sale theme tape, a la Spankin’ the Funky Spunk Munky from days gone by.) Although better judgment dictates that I really never need to buy any cassette tapes ever again, I couldn’t help picking up a few … I mean, Ciccone Youth on tape? How can you turn that down? Another girl nearby was grabbing a few and asked the seller how much. He said it was $5 if you filled a whole case (probably 40 tapes), $3 for a smaller box. “How about 4 for a buck?” the girl asked. “I tell you what, if you fill this travel case, two bucks.” The case probably held 15 tapes. It was the odd situation where you were forced to buy more in order to pay less — strangely logical when the important thing is having as little as possible left over at the end of the day. We decided to join forces and together managed to snag enough tapes to fill it up, pitching in a dollar each.

The last sale that we stopped at here had tons of great vintage shoes … priced from around $90 up to $350! People are on crack. Meghan asked them if they had sold many shoes, and they said no. Then they revealed that they owned an (overpriced) local vintage store and that the marked prices weren’t what they were asking today, “although they’re worth that much.” Uh, whatever.

We got back in the car and headed off toward the costume sale … but wait! Signs for an estate sale beckoned. The house was enormous, with an incredible view. I noticed that there were some elephant sculptures in the front room. Then some stuffed elephants. A few elephant wall hangings. Okay, someone liked elephants.

Then I spotted a 1984 Republican Convention mug, a Reagan-Bush yard sign, a commemorative inauguration tote bag …

Oh. Those are Republican elephants.

But it wasn’t all political stuff. Oh no.

Wait, what’s that in the corner? Why, it’s a Gemstone Calculator! (Meghan carried this all through the house just so I could …. “check it out.”)

Really, it was one of those estate sales that made you want to get rid of half the stuff in your house. There were cleaning supplies dating back to the Reagan era, buckets of pens, and mountains of Amway products. Meghan was thrilled to find a koala notepad, probably 30 years old, which she plans to use for notes at work (much to the envy of her office-mates, we’re sure).

We passed through the kitchen one more time on our way out. “What’s that?” Meghan asked, pulling out a drawer. It turned out to be a built-in toaster! We both couldn’t believe it and I got the camera out, then heard a huge THUNK as Meghan pulled it out … all the way out. I really questioned whether we’d be able to get it back in right, but after a minute or so of trying (accompanied by our semi-embarrassed laughter) I managed to put it back.

Finally, we made it over to the costume sale.

We were directed through a mazelike backstage passage to the sale … which was being held on the stage itself. Sadly, most of the cheaper items had been cleaned out. All that was left was the most boring regular clothes, which I guess had been used for boring regular characters in some play or another. We did get to see some of the fancier items which were part of an ongoing silent auction. Not anything I needed to bid on, but they were kind of cool to see.

It was a long day and I really didn’t buy all that much, but between the three of us the trunk got reasonably filled …

What would you do if you saw this just sitting out on a street corner in San Francisco?

Well, if you are a member of my family, you would put aside any concerns that it might be full of mangled body parts, and go pick it up. My sister did just that, bringing it over to my parents’ house. If you saw the post I wrote about their house a while back, you will understand how logical this was. My mom sent the photo above knowing I would appreciate it, and when I was visiting them last weekend I was able to see a few of the actual hands in their new home: the garden.

Apparently there were also some feet. We’re not sure why someone had these, or why they parted with them (my favorite theory: ex-boyfriend’s abandoned art project), but I don’t think they really could have found a better home.

Also, remember how I “amended” that yard sale sign a couple weeks back? Turns out I might have been subconsciously channeling the Family Circus. Look what I found on my parents’ fridge!

I guess they did a whole yard sale series that week … culminating in a big spread of the family’s sale itself. I recommend the “improved” version by Yard Sale Addict.

With Jenny out of town I had asked Karl if he wanted to hit some sales and what did he come back with? Madrona neighborhood sale! Karl even promised to pull together a list of sales and/or a map. Throw in Sweet and Savory baked goods … How could I go wrong, right?

Well, to start out with I had a bloody nose that seemed to go on for about 30 minutes, making me late leaving the house. I started to drive across town and noticed a sign for a “Stupid Sale” – wow, I should get a photo of that. NO CAMERA. Turn around and go back home. Now I am super late. Haul ass to Sweet and Savory while calling Karl on the phone.

Karl already has a feeling this day is going “to rock” and we start out at the Madrona School sale that had advertised multiple sellers.

The majority of stuff wasn’t priced and when I asked about that I was told, “Just make an offer. It’s all for the school.” O.K., great. Then 5 minutes later she got really upset with someone that made an offer. Hmm… Karl did find a couple of records and we picked up a sale map, so it wasn’t a total waste.

We hit about 20 sales over the course of the next 3 hours, but really it was just a plain old bust. Too much crap from the Gap and way too much baby stuff. Karl even made a comment that I needed to be careful or I might end up spontaneously pregnant if we stayed in Madrona for too long.

Case in point:

O.K., I know you want your kid to take part in the sale, but maybe not making the sign which is supposed to get folks to your sale.

We drove up to one sale that I really didn’t want to stop at.

Karl spotted some Bose speakers from the ’70s and after talking the guy down to $50 we loaded them into the car.

After only buying baked goods and a few CDs, I was pretty much ready to call it a day. On the way home I tried to go to the Stupid Sale, but it turned out to be so stupid that I couldn’t even find it.